The side of parenting no one talks about

I've been questioning whether to post this or not. A few reasons for that, people don't like talking about the 'dark' side of parenting, it bursts that lovely new baby, new journey bubble. It's also still very raw for me personally. So this one is a hard one. I'm hoping it will be cathartic. On the run up to the birth of your first child, you are excited, nervous, anxious, exhilarated, happy & in the throws of last days of pregnancy. More importantly, you can still, pretty much drop everything to spend time with your mates. You can still go down the pub without needing a baby sitter. The magical day arrives when you go from pregnancy to first time mum. The reality of what is happening hits home like a clanging gong. You have got this little life to look after, feed, keep warm, protect, keep clean etc. You are now suddenly filled with bewilderment. Happy, incredibly in love but totally scared cause this little human relies on you 100%. Now, everything you do, has to factor in your new baby. No more being able to drop everything to spend time with your mates, that involves careful planning & practice. No more spending the evening down the pub at the drop of a hat, you need to find childcare, someone you feel comfortable leaving your new baby with. There is the added emotion of "what if I don't want to leave my baby for that long?" & here it is, the real kicker to becoming a new mum. If you are one of the parents who believe attachment is the best choice for your little family dyad, you find out very quickly who your friends are.....or arent! This has to have been the hardest task for my personal parental journey. I lost friends faster than I made them & still, 7 years on, I see very few people. I find this so so hard & sometimes, it makes me resent being a parent. I question myself as to why I've had children? Very early on, I decided I would put my children first (I know right, what a bitch!) I didn't feel at peace leaving them for prolonged periods. I could cope with a maximum of 3 hours pre 6 months. This made people think I was weird. In a world as selfish as ours, I was seen as crazy. I co-slept, I breastfed on demand, I was an 'attachment' parent. I believed strongly, & still do, that being close to my children in their formative years was important. As a result, friendships I held dear ended, or grew thin. I stopped being invited out, I stopped seeing people as regular as I'd like, through no fault of my own actually, even when I made the effort, my attempts went ignored. My choice, to be the type of parent I felt I needed to be meant it was a very lonely one. It still is. I feel frustrated by it often but I'd never change it. I would still make the same choices I made back then because I still believe my choices were the right ones. It is just unfortunate those choices are deemed weird/outlandish/crazy. It would be nice to have friends who want to spend time with me & my kids, of course, who wouldn't? I personally find parenthood a thankless, lonely task. It's the only job that fills you with happiness & dispair at the same time. As a mother, I feel undervalued, under appreciated & the household skivvy. Some days it is totally shit & I truly hate it. I'm not even sure how to end this blog. It's very much a negative blog. I'm sorry for that. Parenthood is not all sunshine & flowers, it is hard & painful work. It takes huge amounts of emotional strength, physical strength & stamina just to get through the days. Having a new baby is wonderful & terrifying all at once. Finding out what you are capable of is amazing & realising you are stronger than you are is reassuring. It doesn't however mean it's easy or always happy & exciting. I think we have to address that for some parents, life is very hard & very lonely. It's OK to acknowledge that. If you too are a mum that feels like this, just know you are not alone. It wouldn't surprise me if many mums felt this way.